Spiritual Hangover

That awkward moment when you realize nobody cares about your personal transformation.

‘Not Religious But Spiritual’ Lexicon – First Edition

Learn what someone is really saying when they drop spiritual jargon bombs! A handy guide to take with you to your next yoga class or spiritual retreat.

Says: “I am flowing in creative abundance!”
Means: “I hate deadlines!”

Says: “I am calling in my beloved.”
Means: “Relationships have been a total shit show for me.” Read the rest of this entry »

I think I’m nailing this manifesting and vibration sh*t.

MANIFEST

Mother Goddess Father Spirit All Beings Of Light And Love and Higher Consciousness!

I write this so that it may be known by all Higher Beings and Powers that I have set a powerful intention! After going REALLY DEEP at this past weekends “MAN-ifest Destiny: Your Man. Your Terms!” workshop at the Yoga Fire Fusion Transformation Healing Center and Wellness Studio, I feel very passionate and confident that it is time… 

I AM CALLING IN MY BELOVED.

I am READY.

It is time for my sacred masculine to RISE in non-sexual spiritual ways within me! Let me birth the Sacred Him OUT through my metaphysical lady parts and let him stand before me in the shape of partner… lover… equal… MAN.

Oh, Great and Wonderful Guiding Beings Of Christ Consciousness (without the Christianity)… I pray to you to send me MY DIVINE MAN-MATE. Deliver to me my Twin Flame! Read the rest of this entry »

Rants About Spiritual Marketing Are Fun!

I’m a marketing call girl.

My job is to spin a sweet, sexy story about how life without <insert-name-of-product> is absolutely, without one single fucking doubt, unfathomable.

Wait a minute… You don’t know about <insert-name-of-product>? Well, let me tell you, if you don’t know about <insert-name-of-product>, you’re probably single. And fat. And ugly. That is, unless you start carrying around <insert-name-of-product>. Because with <insert-name-of-product> you’re one bad ass mother fucker who’s banging chicks and/or guys and making it rain like it’s your job.

You never LIVED without <insert-name-of-product>.

Where were you without <insert-name-of-product>?

HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK LIFE HAD MEANING WITHOUT <insert-name-of-product>?!??! Read the rest of this entry »

Um, yes. I’d like to sign up for this retreat.

“Ok, everyone. Let’s get settled. We’re gonna open up the Yoga Fire Fusion Transformation Healing Center and Wellness Studio spiritual revival here in the beautiful ZenDen Spiritual Alchemy Retreat Center. This land has been specially created and maintained just for you and the work you’re doing, no matter where you are in your process. So, let’s take a moment to send a thank you through our hearts to this facility.

Are we all here? Looks like it. Everyone have a space? Hey, Bill. Could you move over and give Becky a little more room? All set? Let’s grab hands and close our eyes. There’s a lot of energy moving right now. Let’s hold hands and ground to the earth as we settle in. Take a deep breath… Breathe out. I’ve been feeling a lot of energy coming up in the days leading up to this sacred time, and I encourage you to breathe into your feet and really focus your attention here in this room…

Now is a good time to set an intention in your heart for what you want to get out of this weekend…

And whatever you’re working on, just call in your power… And…. Um.

I’m sure that you’re here for a reason… and…

OK, ya know what? Everyone. Open your eyes. Drop hands. I… I think… Um. Wow. Ya know what’s funny? I think I just realized I can’t do this anymore. Read the rest of this entry »

Totally qualified.

Totally qualified.

If you’re this girl, knock it off.

He walks into Yoga Fire Fusion Transformation Healing Center and Wellness Studio emanating subtle cool mixed with overtones of hip. But not hipster. Not him. He stays away from clichés.

He smiles. Oh, hey, bright white teeth glowing through soft facial hair that hasn’t been shaved in 3-5 days. You mentally note that cuddles and rubs from him wouldn’t chafe.

You quickly correct your thoughts and bring them back into a higher, non-sexual spiritual vibration. Because you’re about to do yoga.

He strides to the front desk. He’s tall. He’s the kind of muscular that is skinny in corduroy pants. His hair is long, but not long enough to pull into a ponytail. His manly locks are all tousled with a touch of the haphazard. Each strand says, “Hey, I’m cute” but the frazzles say, “I’m down to earth, too. Let’s breathe together.” Read the rest of this entry »

Faking it.

The dude creates a name and persona. Calls himself a guru. Documents what happens.

Intense spiritual lessons follow.

I’ll bring the popcorn.

http://www.psfk.com/2012/04/need-to-know-vikram-ghandi.html

Awesome in theory.

‎”When you live in the moment, you are completely here—the next moment doesn’t matter at all, it never enters your mind. You do not worry about anything, you have no fears of preconceived ideas. Similarly, as you continue on to the next moment you let go of the previous one. The past doesn’t matter to you anymore; you forget it. Nothing can bind you—you are ever free.” —AMMA

If I tried this at work, I’d be fired.

Anyone else have thoughts about integrating this super awesome theory into the day-to-day of American culture?

<*precious namaste*>

Best money I ever spent.

A few years back I took a weekend class in LA. It was all about healing and breathing. There was a lot of crying and sobbing and wailing. People ‘released’ their pain. And after the emotional masterbation was done, we were told by the guy teaching the class that our hearts were open. Possibly for the first time ever.

And isn’t it awesome to have your heart open? Best $425 I had ever spent.

I left the yurt in LA wondering what took me so long to open my heart.

And I went back home.

Monday morning at the office was awesome. I sat at my desk. I smiled at everyone. Work was SO much more enjoyable with an open heart. Birds were singing. Monday was great. Read the rest of this entry »

The email I always wanted to send after a retreat.

Dear Bill,

Hey there. Thanks for taking the time to contact me after the retreat. Yeah, it was “amazingly intense” and I’m glad you went “so deep”. The ZenDen Spiritual Alchemy Retreat really was full of “magical wonderment”.  I’m so happy to hear that the sessions “rocked your third eye open”. Great stuff.

Regarding your other questions. I do appreciate you just wanting to “speak your truth”, so I’m going to speak mine, if that’s cool?

Yeah. About the goodbye hug. I’d like to point out that you insisted on hugging after every activity last weekend. You also corrected my perfectly normal tendency to hug from the right side of the body with an aggressive insistence that we hug on the *left* side to “connect and create infinite circles of heart energy and blessings”. Ya know, I’m OK with infinite heart energy. We all need that. That would have been fine.

But you followed each hug by a long (and awkward) moment (or twelve) of you pinning my arms to my side and holding me in place while you made intense eye contact and sighed deeply over and over again. Read the rest of this entry »

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