The email I always wanted to send after a retreat.

by Spiritual Hangover

Dear Bill,

Hey there. Thanks for taking the time to contact me after the retreat. Yeah, it was “amazingly intense” and I’m glad you went “so deep”. The ZenDen Spiritual Alchemy Retreat really was full of “magical wonderment”.  I’m so happy to hear that the sessions “rocked your third eye open”. Great stuff.

Regarding your other questions. I do appreciate you just wanting to “speak your truth”, so I’m going to speak mine, if that’s cool?

Yeah. About the goodbye hug. I’d like to point out that you insisted on hugging after every activity last weekend. You also corrected my perfectly normal tendency to hug from the right side of the body with an aggressive insistence that we hug on the *left* side to “connect and create infinite circles of heart energy and blessings”. Ya know, I’m OK with infinite heart energy. We all need that. That would have been fine.

But you followed each hug by a long (and awkward) moment (or twelve) of you pinning my arms to my side and holding me in place while you made intense eye contact and sighed deeply over and over again.

Well. I’d had enough, Bill. I totally get that’s how you connect, and it fulfills you, and you really like to deeply inhale people and their musk. That’s awesome. Know thyself.

But here’s the key piece I think you’re missing: I don’t like to do that.

I just don’t. Because I know myself.

At no point in time did you acknowledge or react to my (obvious) discomfort. You, Bill, were freaking me out.

And then, Bill… And I really want you to read this, Bill. And then you sat next to me in circle. You moved my friend Mary’s sheep skin, journal and healing crystals aside (which I saw you touch) and sat next to me right before we were going to start our community teachings. You cock blocked Mary while she was in the bathroom. And I didn’t say anything, Bill. Because you were being weird, but whatever, dude. I’m not going to start drama before community circle.

And then… Remember what happens next, Bill? During the relaxation and connection exercise.  Remember that, Bill? Yup. I bet you do. We were partnered together and we did a group led gentle massage section.  And you massaged me, Bill. You massaged me. With 50 other people in the room.


So, when it came time for our little weekend to wrap up and you beelined for me, yes, I admit it. I was rude to straight-arm you and shout, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO. STOP IT. NO MORE CREEPY EYES, HEART CONNECTIONS, AND HAPPY HANDS.”

I’m sorry.

And yeah, I’m more than happy to ‘take a look at (myself)’ for having that reaction.

Yup. Just checked in.

I’m a dick.

And I’m OK with being a dick. Ya know why? Because I came to the retreat to do just that. Retreat. I was there to hang with some mellow folk, do some yoga, get my Spiritual on, hike a little in the woods, hug a tree, do the crap I can’t do because I have a job, get a little ‘me’ time and just chill the fuck out. All my bullshit? Yeah, I got it. I’m OK with it. I kinda love it. At the very least, it makes me aware of boundaries. And it also makes me aware that long sessions of deep eye contact and sighing and breast rubs from strangers aren’t my thing.  They just aren’t. This does not make me a bad person. It makes me kinda normal.

I love normal.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to write back. It was great meeting you. I wish you the best in your “spiritual quest” and all that “creating a harmonious world through love” stuff. I’m sure we humans are really going to get it this time around thanks to your eye contact and deep sigh agenda. Good luck.



PS – I wasn’t going to mention this, but the Saturday night Yoga Rebirth session where I would put my mat down and you’d put yours down next to mine, and then I’d move across the room, and you followed me, like, 3 times until I let it go… I’m glad you released so much during that session. Epic fart, dude. Epic. And we all knew it was you.