Um, yes. I’d like to sign up for this retreat.

by Spiritual Hangover

“Ok, everyone. Let’s get settled. We’re gonna open up the Yoga Fire Fusion Transformation Healing Center and Wellness Studio spiritual revival here in the beautiful ZenDen Spiritual Alchemy Retreat Center. This land has been specially created and maintained just for you and the work you’re doing, no matter where you are in your process. So, let’s take a moment to send a thank you through our hearts to this facility.

Are we all here? Looks like it. Everyone have a space? Hey, Bill. Could you move over and give Becky a little more room? All set? Let’s grab hands and close our eyes. There’s a lot of energy moving right now. Let’s hold hands and ground to the earth as we settle in. Take a deep breath… Breathe out. I’ve been feeling a lot of energy coming up in the days leading up to this sacred time, and I encourage you to breathe into your feet and really focus your attention here in this room…

Now is a good time to set an intention in your heart for what you want to get out of this weekend…

And whatever you’re working on, just call in your power… And…. Um.

I’m sure that you’re here for a reason… and…

OK, ya know what? Everyone. Open your eyes. Drop hands. I… I think… Um. Wow. Ya know what’s funny? I think I just realized I can’t do this anymore.

Hm. Yeah. I don’t need to check in on this one. I can’t do this anymore. Sorry, guys.

I mean, I CAN. I can keep going with this opening circle and say some things that are going to make you feel better about the uncertainty of life and all the hard shit we have to deal with, but, at the end of the day? I can’t help you.

Oh, don’t look so horrified, Amy. Relax. I’m just being honest. I can’t help you. Or you. Or even you, new dude wearing the designer malas.

You guys just paid, like $600, $525 if you registered before June 1st, to be here. You dropped some serious cash because you’re seeking answers. That says more truth about you than I ever could pretend to know. See? You are the bad asses. Not me.

Want to know the real truth about these weekends? You come here all worked up and angsty and on edge, and then I ask direct questions like a red hot fucking poker into your raw bits. I’m over here on my blanket all comfy and calm and shit while I gut you emotionally. And then we call it ‘the work’.

Because this is all ‘The Work’. Right? You are doing ‘The Work’. And here’s the secret…No, not the Law of Attraction. You guys should be terrified of that machine. The secret to ‘The Work’ is this: I’m outside watching you. I think I know something about something and say the thing I think you want to hear because you look so freaking uncomfortable.

And, please. Let’s call a spade a spade. ‘Channeling’ or ‘downloading’… That’s just marketing copy to make it all mystic and psychic and sexy. It makes it easier for you to give away your power to someone like me. And that’s shady.

OK, OK… I know some people are awesome at ‘channeling’ and are making a shit ton of money off it, but the potential for an underdeveloped ego to insert their personal agenda and bias into the ‘downloaded’ nuggets is HUGE. Not to mention it’s a ‘skill’ being marketed by people like me to people like you because you are looking for someone to give you an answer. I know you want me to have it. I wish I did. But I ain’t got it. I can ‘channel’ rainbows and puppies and unicorns all day long, but I don’t know if this whole human endeavor has meaning and if it isn’t for nothing.

It might not have meaning. It might be for nothing.

And if that doesn’t make you lose control of your 1st chakra and poop your pants, then you’re more ‘evolved’ than me. Because, I’m scared by this whole human thing, too.

I created an entire business (yes, this is a business) based around teaching ‘awakening’, and ya know what? If I were to be really, *really* honest, I’m not sure I understand what that means. Right now I’m using it as a ploy to get people to show up to my classes and retreats. It separates me from people and people from each other under the pretense of unification and light and love. And at the core it’s saying, “Your human is weak and flawed and needs to be fixed.”

So, we’re no better than Christianity at this point. We’re Christianity with woo woo and psychic and sensitive and precious and flexy bendy body parts.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Are people intuitive? Are people perceptive? Oh, fuck yeah. We’re all sensitive little beings crawling around down in the mud and dirt together. But calling it ‘psychic’ or ‘special’ and using ‘knowledge’ of someone to make a dollar? I’m sorry. It’d be way better for all of you to put on your big boy and big girl pants and learn to walk with uncertainty. And not that lululemon yoga pant bullshit. Pull up your bitch pants and face the uncertainty.

I’m going to be uncertain. I’m just a dude who is OK leading groups. And I know I can be charismatic at times. And I tell you guys things like, “I’m single because I want to raise the vibration of my upper chakras…”

Oh. Good. God. I’m a single charismatic male spiritual leader who is pretending like my second chakra doesn’t exist. DO NOT TRUST ME. Hell, I’m an everyday, average guy and I’ve got average guy yearnings and I’m all human, even though I’ve built my persona around being ‘awakened’. I think we all know how this recipe usually ends, and it goes something like my ignored sexual masculine stimulates some suppressed feminine shame-shame, and then we’ve got a witch hunt. And everyone is scandalized and shocked about sexy times in spiritual land, that quite frankly, isn’t that shocking. Seriously.

We have control over, like, 10% of our human bodies. And we put some strange pressure on ourselves to be in, like, TOTAL control of our thoughts and feelings and sexual yum yum urges. Actually, the average person has 5% of a say over their ‘self’. If you’ve been doing ‘the work’ and are gaining some mastery of your emotions and anger, and you’ve gone from 5% to 10%? Holy fucking shit. Good for you. That’s a 100% increase in control of the monkey suit. Stop there. You don’t need to go further. You can’t go further. And isn’t that a relief?

Let’s skip all that. Let’s stop pretending. I’m going to stop pretending. I’m not going to tell you about love and life and meaning and spirit. I’m not going to say love is the only truth blah blah blah, because it’s fundamentalist. And it’s fundamentalist with the pretense of being open. And in this format, it’s just a spiritual prozac delivery system that is dependent upon rah-rah love collusion. Stop trying to spin out of your bodies. Your lower chakras need you.

How about I start here and admit the only truth I know with certainty? I have no idea what the fuck this is all about. Life. Love. Death. Violence. Sickness. All the shit and struggle and giggles in the world. I have no idea. I don’t know why we’re here and what happens after death. No one does.

Whew! I feel relieved. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Seriously, Amy. You look all butt clenched. Relax. It’s OK. Everything is uncertain. And most of you will move on from this and find some other ‘spiritual teacher’ to project all your Mommy and Daddy baggage onto. It’s cool. I’d say, don’t choose a good looking dude. Find a woman. Find a woman who’s down to earth and doesn’t make broad, sweeping statements about the nature of truth and love.

Actually. Start a journal. Go on a hike. Sit and chill out every once in awhile. Get used to the uncertainty.

And one last thing. Um. If you really want to awaken and move on up… Who’s the one person in your life you hate? Be honest. I know we’re supposed to be all unconditional and shit, but that’s ridiculous. We’re humans. We’re wired to get it on and find causality in EVERYTHING. Think of that one person you hate, and spend the rest of your life trying to love them.

Not pretendsies. Not just saying it. But love that fucker. And work on it for years. If you can begin to scratch the surface of love for someone who has hurt you, it’s all gonna be OK.

See? There I go again. Old habits die hard. Me telling you all what you should and shouldn’t do. What the fuck do I know?

Don’t look to me for answers. I don’t want that job title. I have no idea.

We cool? Yeah? You’re all silent. It’s good. I’m going to go chill by the fire, pop a few bottles and have a champagne jam.

I say, let’s get our uncertain on. That’s what I say.”