Rants About Spiritual Marketing Are Fun!

by Spiritual Hangover

I’m a marketing call girl.

My job is to spin a sweet, sexy story about how life without <insert-name-of-product> is absolutely, without one single fucking doubt, unfathomable.

Wait a minute… You don’t know about <insert-name-of-product>? Well, let me tell you, if you don’t know about <insert-name-of-product>, you’re probably single. And fat. And ugly. That is, unless you start carrying around <insert-name-of-product>. Because with <insert-name-of-product> you’re one bad ass mother fucker who’s banging chicks and/or guys and making it rain like it’s your job.

You never LIVED without <insert-name-of-product>.

Where were you without <insert-name-of-product>?


So. I get to look at myself in the mirror every morning and live with that tasty little nugget of reality.

For the most part, I do my job. I show up. I sit at my desk. I attend meetings that are a complete waste of my fucking time, and then I pretend like they aren’t a complete waste of my fucking time.

I have to fight back the ever present creeping sensation that I’m part of a twisted and warped machine that is a never ending ego shit show.

But you know. Gotta pay the bills.

And I doubt this occupational agreement I’m in. I question it. Because this one time, I took a “spiritual” path. I read a few books, attended retreats, did yoga, breathed really fucking deep through my nose, and was told that any negativity and illness I experienced was due to my jank vibration.

I dropped some serious cash to fix my vibration. And when my cash flow was low due to spending so much of it trying to fix myself? Well. Fuck. That’s really about my inability to receive support and abundance. I was operating from ‘lack’. Obviously.

The Secret Marketing Department: 1 – Me: 0

All I needed to do was inject myself with positive thoughts and happy sayings and call in my angels.

Hay House Publishing Marketing Department: 1 – Me: 0

I needed to raise my vibration and call in the abundance!

Abraham/Hicks: 1 – Me: 0

And I needed to take some mind blowing yoga classes from a really cool American dude.

Anusara Yoga: 1 – Me: 0

In really hip fitness clothing!

Lululemon Marketing Department: 1 – Me: 0

I realized that a small amount of corporations were making some serious fucking money off my basic inability to feel OK with myself. There were teams of people devoted to lumping me in a generic category and breaking apart my psyche so they could develop magical spiritual band aids to help me cope. Entire departments with budgets and artists and writers and managers, scrambling for a piece of my insecurity. My insecurity had an ROI, and they flow charted my buying process to maximize it. Because their vibrations are really fucking high.

So. I stopped. I stopped paying into someone else’s higher vibration gravy train.

It was abrupt. It was the kind of realization that doesn’t let you go back.

It’s also an existential crisis delivery system. But I figure if you’re spiritual path doesn’t lead you to Camus, you’re doing it wrong.

And for now, I wonder how much longer I can sit at my desk, knowing full well that I am telling people they need <insert-name-of-product>. That it will make them feel better about their perception of life. I wonder how much longer I can break apart psyches and fill in the cracks with <insert-name-of-product> and look at myself in the mirror every morning without a sense that my soul is maybe just a little bit dead.

OK. That’s dramatic. My soul is maybe just a little bit dull. Or numb. Or bored. That’s probably closer to the truth.

And I know it’s not black and white. I know there is value to the message of some of these offerings reaching those with ears to hear through the technique of marketing. Back in that day, at the height of my quest for healing and peace and clarity and balance and meaning, I did some ‘marketing’ work with a spiritual teacher. His attitude was the opposite of marketing. It was un-marketing. He didn’t care if he was SEO optimized or if his Facebook was bangin’ out the likes. He just wrote and taught. He seemed content to get out of bed each day and do his job.

Maybe if I raise my vibration, I’ll attract a job that makes me content, even excited to get out of bed.

Yeah. It’s totally my vibration. I better find a workshop for that.