I mean, I’m very spiritual. I do yoga.

by Spiritual Hangover

There’s this person I want to be.

She gets up at 4AM.

She does some deep breathing and gentle stretches.

She puts on her all white LuLuLemon yoga pants and racer back top and wraps herself in some sort of comfy organic cotton fluffy robe, and pads downstairs, the sound of her feet on the bamboo floor gently echoing through her 14′ ceiling city loft with the awesome rent and a pretty good view considering the neighborhood.

She turns on her stove. Fills her Crate and Barrel tea pot with fresh, distilled water and prepares her loose leaf fair trade decaf (organic) green tea. She drinks some Kangen water at 9.5pH first. Mmm. Alkaline water is soooo amazing, she thinks to herself. She pours her tea, and takes deep breaths in with great intent. I mean, it’s 4:03AM and she’s breathing the SHIT out of life.

Her yoga mat is neatly tucked in the corner. It’s a new one. She had to replace that Manduka one because… well, it had some iffy energy around it. She was bummed to go back to 24″.

She places her iPhone in her Bose surround speaker system. The soothing sounds of flutes gently waft through her home.

Flutes are so serene, right? Who doesn’t want flutes at 4:07AM?

She lays her (non-Manduka) yoga mat out. Her all white lululemon yoga outfit is especially fresh and clean this morning thanks to that new Method laundry detergent she bought at Whole Foods. Those Method designers really get that form DOES follow function.

Mmmm. She’s really excited that she switched to all white, now that she’s done a few Kundalini yoga classes.

And now that she thinks about it, she’s wondering why all those other people in her classes at Yoga Fire Fusion Transformation Healing Center and Wellness Studio wear so much black. That’s, like, bringing in the negativity. To the body. The fuck is wrong with them?

She thinks about all of her black Lululemon. She should throw it away.


She should give it away.


How could she be responsible for pawning off her less spiritually evolved yoga clothing to her friends or strangers? So not cool. She makes a mental note to put all the black clothes in her wardrobe in the corner of her closet. She’ll just sage it once a week to keep the energy chill ‘n shit.

And then she chaturangas. And breathes. At 4:13AM. So much breathing! “God, my chaturanga is REALLY getting good.”

She’s pretty sure her breakthrough is because of her decision to go Lululemon white.

Mmmmmmm. The flutes have picked up some gentle drums. She found this track on iTunes. She listened to the preview for 30 seconds and saw that the cover of the album had a picture of a Native American man. Yup. Perfect for (now 4:17AM) yoga.

She shifts into her daily sitting meditation, and wonders why others don’t do this. Seriously! It’s only 4:21AM! Why doesn’t everyone take this sacred time in the morning?! “I mean, all it takes is a little discipline.” She’s takes another mental note: Try and stop judging people for not getting their mental shit together before going to work even though it’s annoying.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Her sit is all done. It was good. She went so deep.

She takes another big breath at 4:25AM. Hyper-oxygenating her body so early in the morning makes her all giggles and tingles. She’s pretty sure it’s because her 4th chakra is open, just like her 3rd eye. Fuck that. She KNOWS that her heart is wide open. It’s open like it’s her JOB to have it open, because, fuck it all, everyone is just so shut DOWN. She’s gotta carry the light in her heart and share it with the world.

This will save the world.

She’s sure of it.

She knows her 3rd eye sees more, because, at the end of the day she’s got 3 eyes working for her. THREE. Mother. Fucking. Eyes. Bow down, all you 2 eyes who are bound to the world of space and time and gravity and bodily functions. Her vision is 4D. She’s pretty sure she’s looking at the world like Jesus did.

A bird chirps outside her window. “Oh, WOW. MAJOR sign.”  She checks the clock to see if it reads 4:44AM. It doesn’t. It reads 4:26AM. She does the numerology really quick.



So much divinity. It feels good to have the Universe talk to her like a Disney movie.

And she’s really glad she’s wearing white now.

Because black Lululemon would make saving the world SO much harder.


On second thought…

Getting up at 4AM means not drinking a bottle of red every night, and I’m just not that evolved.

<*Precious Namaste*>